I’ve been trying to post about this for a few weeks now, but I just haven’t been able to get the words out of my head and onto the screen.
Did you know that this week is End Fat Talk Week? I thought this would be the perfect time, so I’ve been working and writing the past few days to get this out.
Some things have changed for me in the past few months, especially the past few weeks, and I’m excited to share.
I just had no clue how to write these posts. I didn’t know where to start.
How about a little background?
Once upon a time, there was a girl who went to college. She came from a family that is mixed in their body shapes and sizes (as most families are), but she had always been pretty thin and active.
Her first year and most of her second year of school went by great – no “freshman 15” to speak of. She wasn’t as active as in high school, and eventually, that along with the bad student center/caf food began causing her some issues.
Um…and she, ahem…I, apparently didn’t get the memo that eating lots of candy and fast food and drinking Cherry Coke like it was my job wasn’t a healthy way to eat.
About halfway through my sophomore year, I gained a good amount of weight. I never got the freshman 15, but I’m pretty sure I had the sophomore 30. I honestly don’t know exactly how much it was because I didn’t own a scale and wouldn’t get on one even if I had. I knew that I had gained, but I didn’t realize how much or how fast I had put it on.
I really was completely shocked with myself.
I had never been overweight.
Never once had a problem with it before in my entire life, never had to think about it.
And here I was…sitting on the floor in my dorm room staring at stretch marks on my thighs, seriously wondering what they were. I had no clue – but they were there because I had gained so much, so fast.
This is the only picture I have from this semester. I don’t know how much I weighed at this point, but I do know that I gained more between this picture (taken on Thanksgiving break while my parents were renewing their vows) and Christmas break (just a few weeks later) when I was back home.
I finally broke down during that Christmas break. I still feel bad for my mom after this trip. We were out shopping, as we normally do, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was so frustrated that I wasn’t taking care of myself, so mad that I couldn’t find any clothes that fit me…I probably acted like a big baby, but I started crying in the dressing room that day.
I wasn’t myself anymore. Not just in my size or the way I looked. I didn’t treat myself the way I should have been. I wasn’t proud of myself.
At this point, it was all superficial, but all of my thoughts toward myself were negative. And when you have that much “fat talk” going on, it’s hard to get out of it and start thinking positively again.
Christmas break ended, and I headed back to school with a new haircut and some goals.
Only those goals somehow became unhealthy obsessions for me.
I tried so hard during the week to eat “good” and “low calories” that I ended up getting into this crazy cycle of eating great during the week and eating crap on the weekends.
Really – could someone have told me that this wouldn’t work? I know I wasn’t eating enough during the week to fuel myself, and that junk I was eating on the weekends wasn’t helping either. Why is it so easy for bad habits to show up in our lives?
I started working out with a roommate, which probably helped keep that extra “weekend junk” weight from layering on, but my mind still wasn’t in the right place. Every weekend that this happened, I just beat myself up about it. I pretty much convinced myself that I couldn’t do anything right – that maybe this was just how it was going to be for me from now on.
Enter Atkins phase.
Are you still with me? :)
My dad had done Atkins for a few months and lost a good amount of weight, so a friend and I decided to try it for a few weeks. I don’t think I really lost anything, and I got tired of the food pretty quickly.
But that summer started to change everything.